BY SOMEONE FROM MARS
Data states that the rise of laziness and stupid people led to innovations that were destined to ruin humanity. Famous scientist Wilbur Westhand, who works for the Pentagon, reported on Monday that the condensed energy of sadness this causes is trapped on Earth due to the scientific principle of doom, and will lead to the whole planet to explode to pieces.
Should we be Concerned?
Experts say that we should not be concerned despite the heavy losses, considering most people have lost their will to live by 2024 anyways. Data from the Pentagon shows that around 60% of the population in the United States are infact happy about this news, and look foward to see the beautiful lights of the explosion.
The president of the United States has a statement on the matter, saying quote, "We love the explosions, the beautiful-est explosions. I can't wait to see the lights go boom boom boom in the beautiful sky, quite frankly. And see all the American Citizens besides, the radical left of course, see the pieces of the Earth's mantle leak through the crust." Later fact checking says that the mantle will not leak through the crust.
See what Trump's new executive order means for US citizens
Many are in opposition of this executive order, stating this is dangerous and is a horrible decision. Democrat represenitive Saige Buckley made a message for president Trump, stating "Our president is absolutely ruining our country more as the days go by. This new [executive] order is going to kill millions if used by the wrong people!"
Others argue that this will benefit everyone, as it will get rid of people who are unimportant and do not contribute to America at all. They usually name off the radical left and immigrants. Fact checkers correct them and point out data that minorities and registered democrats contribute a significant amount to the American economy, but they continue to deny and state that everyone else is biased.
Yes, this includes your beloved devices you use everyday
"Dont think too much about this. You'll be fine.""Don't think about this too much about this. You'll be fine." States a fascist represenitive in Ohio. However, many citziens are unhappy that they can no longer complain on Twitter about the smallest inconvinences in their lives. This led to many riots in multiple states, including California, Illinois, Florida, and Texas.
I suggest you buy devices such as a typewriter, satellite television, newspaper subscriptions, and many books. Entertainment and news are crucial in today's society.
Don't dread for the day your devices wont turn on anymore, but relish the new life you have that doesn't rot the brain with technology.
ONE IN A QUINTILLION
Our researchers at Dumbass Science Institute found the second ever case of a woman giving birth to a Spotted Salamander, seen on Wednesday. The chances of this happening are a whopping one in quintillion! Data shows this is so rare that it is less of a chance than being a smart person in today's society. This is a groundbreaking discovery for modern science, and will help us aid research cures for cases of babies being born with birth defects.
Do you suspect that you will give birth to a Spotted Salamander? We ask YOU to participate in our clinical study! We offer YOU $150 to participate! See if you are eligible by giving us a call at (248) 434-5508 TODAY!We suspect that mothers who concieve Spotted Salamanders have a specific gene mutation that is caused by them being given birth to by someone who took Tylenol during pregnancy. There is already many speculations around the painkiller, and a new dumb fucking reason not to take it is added to the list along many others. As you should always trust what the government says, we base our trustworthy data around what the president and secratary of health and human services says in a totally non-biased way.
If you have your own story with giving birth to a Spotted Salamander, contact us to have the chance to have your story added to the daily news post.
BY SOME LOSER
I woke up in my room this morning at 6:00 sharp, like I always do, suspecting nothing except the dread of having to go to work today. What i found was much worse than work...
His long, spotted legs; his horrible and large ears... It's the creature. I heard about the creature before, but I only thought of it to be urban legends and silly campfire stories when I was a child. But now it's staring at me through eyes of judgement, right from inside my open closet doors.
It was horrible, he looked like he wanted to take me as a sacrifice for one of his gods or something, speaking in some foriegn language. It looked much like a cow, but I know for a fact that it was not one. It couldn't have been one. We don't have cows anywhere near where I live, and the... aura from that thing is something I will never forget. The only way I got away from it is mentioning a job application. It seems to hate those, and I heard from a guide that's one way to deter the creature. It climbed up my walls and out of my window after I mentioned it.
If you ever see the creature yourself, I heard that mentioning showers, the outdoors, or sunlight also deters this retched thing. Be careful out there, as the creature is always looking for its next victim; that victim could be you.